The tennis discipline is to become an Olympic sport … again

Age: 109.

Appearance: Sporty yet sexy.

Is it Wimbledon already? That would explain the rain. No, we’re looking ahead to the 2012 Olympics. For the first time in almost 90 years, men and women will be attempting to win a gold medal while chasing the same ball and complaining about the same line calls.

That’s a good thing, isn’t it? An end to sexual apartheid, blah blah. That isn’t how it’s always been seen. Mixed doubles is “a form of men’s singles with a woman on either side of the net”, according to three-times Wimbledon champion Fred Perry. Bill Tilden, the greatest American player of the 1920s, described it as “a completely unbalanced and in many ways uninteresting game”. Of course, that was before Martina Navratilova won 10 grand slam titles alongside assorted chaps.

What do the living have to say about it? The International Olympic Committee says that mixed doubles “will bring an added value to the Olympic programme by providing another opportunity for men and women to compete together on the same field of play”.

Another opportunity? You know, like those high-profile Olympic sports of badminton and dinghy sailing.

I’ve always fancied my chances with a racket. Who are my role models for 2012? The last gold medalists, back in Paris in 1924, were the Americans Richard Williams and Hazel Wightman (mixed doubles was an Olympic sport between 1900 and 1924). She was still winning competitions in her 60s; he had survived the sinking of the Titanic.

Any tips that don’t involve icebergs? “Play the woman” is the sisterly advice from website BellaOnline. “Hit pace to her. Hit topspin. Make her run.” If that fails, make her cry by reminding her how much less she is likely to earn than a male player.

Any advice that isn’t gender-based? Make sure your opponents are British.

Do say: “May the best man and woman win.”

Don’t say: “If I said you had a beautiful backhand would you hold it against me?”